Sometimes bad things happen...

Well I made a promise to myself that I would not fall behind in keeping up my blog this time. About a month has passed since I last posted, but life has thrown me a few curve balls and this is the first time that I have been able to sit down and write about it.
Back in September, I found out I was pregnant. It was a suprise, but a nice one. I was a little nervous because I have been having some residual back pain ever since I gave birth to Gabe, and contemplating having another one was a little scary, because I didn't know how it would make me feel. I didn't want to become a criple who needed assistance all the time because my back could no longer support my body, or allow me to do the every day things moms need to do, such as pick up the baby, do laundry, or even mop the floor. But, when I found out I was pregnant, I was happy and excited Heavenly Father thought I could handle it, even though I might face all of the above. I just kept telling myself "Heavenly Father won't give me any trail I can't handle".
So I found an OB and set up a "10-week" appointment with her on November 6. Colata dropped me off and stayed in the car with Gabe so I could enjoy the appointment without having to chase Gabe or worry about him destroying everything he gets a hold of. I met with the nurse, and since it was my first appointment, we spent a lot of time getting down my history and all the rest. She asked me about my previous pregnancies, Jada, miscarriage, and then Gabe. After that, I went into another room to wait for my Doctor. The blood tech came in first and poked both of my arms to draw some blood for routine tests, but barely got enough for one. She requested I come back next week after really hydrating myself to get more blood. After she left, my doctor came in. She came in and did a complete physical (papsmear and all that) and then it was time for an ultrasound. It was the first time I had a "vaginal" ultrasound, so at first, I didn't realize that we were actually looking at my uterus already. The doctor had been quiet for what seemed to be a long time so I asked her, "is that the baby" and she said yes. I didn't see any flicker on the screen that would represent the baby's heartbeat so I asked her, "where's the baby located" just in case I wasn't looking at the right thing. The doctor responded saying "According to what I see on the ultrasound, you are not as far along as you think you are." I tried to hold down the panic and asked her "How far along does the ultrasound show" She responded by saying I was only "4-5 weeks". Tears began to leak down the side of my face because I knew this couldn't be possible. The doctor began to ask questions such as "have you had any spotting since your last period?" No. "are you sure your last period was on August 28th?" Yes. By this time, I am choking back sobs because I knew this was bad news. She then began to talk to me about the abnoralities and the lack of a heartbeat. She quickly told the blood tech to make sure the little blood I gave was tested for hormonal levels to see if my hCG level matched with the weeks pregnant the ultrasound showed. She then began to discuss possiblities about miscarriage, including taking a pill and starting contrations, waiting for a spontaneous miscarriage or having a Dilation and Cutterage (D&C). I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was in shock. I went to the bathroom and called Colata to pick me up, and tried to wipe the tears off my face so I could walk out of the the building without too many glances my way. I was in agony as I saw the sympathetic looks on the faces of the front desk receptionists who knew I just got bad news. I just wanted to run out. I didn't want these people feeling sorry for me or seeing my misery. They don't know me or care for me, and I didn't want to see that look on anyone's face that didn't know me.
Anyway, the following week was a period of waiting and more tests with the end result being that the baby was dead and I had three options, spontaneous miscarriage and pill to start miscarriage (which would result in basically going into labor and experiencing all the pain for the end result to be lots of blood and no baby) or have a D&C which they would knock me out with general anesthesia and hardly any pain other than cramping. I went with that option. We scheduled it for Monday November 16th, and as luck would have it, I started spotting Sunday morning on the 15th. I just kept praying that I wouldn't go into full-blown miscarriage mode so that I could still have the D&C. I prayed and got a blessing from Colata Sunday night that I might have the process slowed so that Monday the Doctor could do the D&C on me. The Lord was merciful. I had the D&C and have no memory at all of losing the baby and just feel like I am having a period with more cramping than normal.
Emotionally, I am doing okay. It was better to know ahead of time that I was going to lose the baby. My first miscarriage was much hard physically and emotionally because I had to go through it all, alone in a hotel away from anyone that loved me.
So all things considered, this was a much easier experience. Not one I ever want to go through again, but grateful I didn't have anything worse to face. Jada was disappointed not to have a new sibling coming to the family, but she seems to be fine with it all. The nice thing is that really, I am the only one that had to suffer much because when your pregnant, it's not really real to anyone else, until they can physically see and feel all the signs of a baby in your belly.
Well, I gotta go. My husband needs the computer and my son is crying for me.